I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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