Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
