At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
