So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Panties = found
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
