I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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