Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
