Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
