I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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