im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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