My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
