Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
