***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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