Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
