Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
