My sheets look like a crime scene.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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