So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
be right there i have to get my cape
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
