i think my tv is drunk
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
