when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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