i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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