I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
