I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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