We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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