i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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