it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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