i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
