i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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