i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
