I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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