He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
