you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
