I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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