I didn't shave. On purpose
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
