somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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