what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
