Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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