Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
