I'm so fucking centered right now
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
