Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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