God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
