This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
