My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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