I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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