Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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