she woke up with a sticky ear
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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