is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
