so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
