well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
