my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's always time for handjobs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
