Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
