I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
