I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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