Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
