put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
