I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
