you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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