Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
